Dannon (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} tigerboy25) wrote,@ 2009-03-02 12:57:00 |
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i've had a stomachache all day and i know exactly why. i'm just emo... sort of feels like someone took a great big ice cream scoop and scooped out all my guts. why does emotional pain transfer itself into physical feelings in that way?
mainly i'm just trying to figure out what i'm going to do. i can't un-feel the way i do but i'm not going to be a fool about it, either. i know you can't force anyone to feel a certain way...besides i dont want to force anyone to feel some way artificially. hmm. tough questions, this is a really hard thing to deal with.
my mind and my heart are pulling me in opposite directions, but neither one has a clear path. i don't want to feel this way. i don't want to be emotional about this. i just want to not care, to let it go. why can't i do that?
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it doesn't help that other things are being difficult right now. i really just want to get outside, stretch my legs and run...keep doing my workouts and hard training. But it was ten effing degrees outside this morning, with a wind chill below zero...making it physically damn-near impossible for me to do my track workout. indoor track anywhere? the treadmill doesn't go fast enough for me to do the workout i need to. grr. i NEED to stay on track with this training, i'm not going to let myself slip an inch because pretty soon an inch will be a mile. no excuses.
second, it's been busier at work lately. today especially sucks because people in my department are out and i am having to do twice the work, since i have to do mine AND theirs. not cool...im going to take a day off. i dont mind when i have advance notice, or when people go on vacation, etc. but it's the same people that are always having issues. i have issues too, but i still come to work. i'm starting to hold a grudge about it.
not to beat a dead baby, but i feel like, okay, i could deal with all this stuff in my life were the aforementioned situation different. you know, none of that stuff really matters - i can spend 8 hours a day doing work, as long as i know there's something for me that's right at home. sort of a security blanket, if you will.
without that, it's so much harder to do everything else.
and so, today, i am struggling.
i wish i could wear my sunglasses to work.
mainly i'm just trying to figure out what i'm going to do. i can't un-feel the way i do but i'm not going to be a fool about it, either. i know you can't force anyone to feel a certain way...besides i dont want to force anyone to feel some way artificially. hmm. tough questions, this is a really hard thing to deal with.
my mind and my heart are pulling me in opposite directions, but neither one has a clear path. i don't want to feel this way. i don't want to be emotional about this. i just want to not care, to let it go. why can't i do that?
------
it doesn't help that other things are being difficult right now. i really just want to get outside, stretch my legs and run...keep doing my workouts and hard training. But it was ten effing degrees outside this morning, with a wind chill below zero...making it physically damn-near impossible for me to do my track workout. indoor track anywhere? the treadmill doesn't go fast enough for me to do the workout i need to. grr. i NEED to stay on track with this training, i'm not going to let myself slip an inch because pretty soon an inch will be a mile. no excuses.
second, it's been busier at work lately. today especially sucks because people in my department are out and i am having to do twice the work, since i have to do mine AND theirs. not cool...im going to take a day off. i dont mind when i have advance notice, or when people go on vacation, etc. but it's the same people that are always having issues. i have issues too, but i still come to work. i'm starting to hold a grudge about it.
not to beat a dead baby, but i feel like, okay, i could deal with all this stuff in my life were the aforementioned situation different. you know, none of that stuff really matters - i can spend 8 hours a day doing work, as long as i know there's something for me that's right at home. sort of a security blanket, if you will.
without that, it's so much harder to do everything else.
and so, today, i am struggling.
i wish i could wear my sunglasses to work.
