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24th April 2011

11:48pm: file this under "handy notes"
I'll ALWAYS be there for my friends. always always. as long as you're loyal to me, i'll do whatever it takes to keep you happy & healthy.

just don't cross me. trust is very important. i always respect honesty, even if it's not what i want to hear, i just ask that people tell me the truth. i'm not dumb. and nothing pisses me off more than being lied to or misled, like taking my intelligence for granted. i may do dumb things, stupid things sometimes  a lot of the time but at the end of the day...i'm gonna figure it out. it's your choice whether you want me on your side or not. 

anyways, this was intended to be a positive post. my friends are the best people in the world and i want to be there for them when they need it. 

so here's what i gotta say. much better than i can say it:

17th April 2011

9:50pm:  sad day today.
 
went to the calling hours for one of my friends today. in some ways i deal with death really well, and in other ways i don't. i feel like i handle things well because i'm a rational person but sometimes i wish i was more emotional.

like today. i feel so bad for poor andrew. and to see his mom, to get a face on what she was experiencing, is really really heartbreaking. i wanted to cry. i feel like i want to just cry for awhile and get it all out. but i can't. something in my brain kind of blocks it...to not express the emotions that i feel.

i was driving home with steven and i realized i hadn't processed everything well. i got into denial, and then anger. the world is so wrong when it comes to this. andrew should have gotten to LIVE much longer. he was such a good person - better even than i ever imagined, and dedicated to improving himself and the world around him. i know the thoughts i express in my journal aren't nearly as pure as what he put down on paper. 

it all sucks and i can't get around it. there is so little room for negative energy in life. 

I just feel like crying is a way of showing you care. but i know how i feel...how i miss andrew. and how i wish i could be there for his mom! such a sweetheart. it is easy to see how big of a heart he had, because hers was clear. 
 
Good people shouldn't have to suffer so much. 

 

16th September 2010

9:43pm: day two
back to life, back to reality.

today at work sucked. well, i take that bad, it's not awful. i just wish i had more to do. i need to feel the satisfaction of finishing assignments and accomplishing things. otherwise...i just feel worthless.

i had lunch today with a woman who is about 50 or 55 years old. her name is desiree. she's in my masters cohort, and we are in a group project together. despite the fact that she's a bit quirky, i like her. she actually communicates quite well. i think this whole grad school experience is going to help me communicate better, especially with those older than me. that's never come easy for me...save for some special cases. i have a need to feel understood...and lots of olders don't understand me. argh!

the saving grace at work is rachel. she makes me laugh all the time! she's also a great communicator. i know i can pretty much speak my mind around her. we were talking about this woman that works in development that cheated on her husband with an intern. and i just said, she sounds like she needs her vagina filled all the time. which is true...if the rumors are accurate. i just hope she doesn't have any eye on me, cuz she's not gettin it. gross.

also had another good run today. put in 4+ miles around 6:30 pace...not bad for where I've been. gotta get in shape...i'll get there. *eats another reese's* BAD DANNON

judy is supposed to be here any minute (which means she'll be here in about an hour) to watch a scary movie. i accomplished pretty much jack shit today, but meh...i was still stressed. hopefully this movie will help!

here's another picture of a funny looking chicken. this one is a baybee:


15th September 2010

10:23pm: the beginning
so i'm starting this LJ again. to give me an outlet that i so desperately need. i don't care if anyone reads it...but i need to do it.

i have an assignment for grad school that i really should be doing, but i'm not going to do it right now...i need the mental break night.

*cue nyquil*

tomorrow we dance...

...for now, he's a picture of a chicken...in some sort of zip-up pleather dress/sack.

 

oh and FYI this is a JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE so if you're gonna judge, why don't you start with yourself, loser. that is all. ALOUETTA ETTA ETTA 

2nd May 2010

9:25pm: 2010 cap city half-marathon playlist
Machinehead 4:16 Bush
In My Head (Gentani Remix) 4:34 Jason Derulo
Make It Easy 3:47 Sarah Harding
Stand Up 3:26 Cheryl Cole
Kids 5:03 MGMT
Wear My Kiss (WAWA Remix) 3:13 Sugababes
10 Minutes 3:21 Inna
Monster 4:09 Lady Gaga
Memories (feat Kid CuDi) 3:30 David Guetta
Animal I Have Become 3:51 Three Days Grace
Thank Me Daddy 3:25 Girls Aloud
Soundtrack 2 My Life 3:56 KiD CuDi
Pyromania 3:29 Cascada
Ridin' Solo 3:38 Jason Derulo
Break 3:11 Three Days Grace
Bad Romance 4:57 Lady Gaga
Heart Of A Lion 4:21 KiD CuDi
Pain 3:22 Three Days Grace
Fight for This Love 3:56 Cheryl Cole
Teenage Dirtbag (Wheatus cover) 3:50 Girls Aloud
The Day That Never Comes 7:56 Metallica
Ready For The Weekend 3:38 Calvin Harris
So Happy I Could Die 3:55 Lady Gaga

22nd March 2010

10:22pm: *tick tick tick*

Is this thing on?

so...what's new world?

17th March 2010

11:40am: rar.

23rd December 2009

8:09pm: RRRRRR
can't believe I fell so fast.
love or lust? this feels different.
so much of life has been forced...so many questions are unanswered,
but i hope that you'll answer them with me
i hope

deep blue
and sometimes i can't breathe
i don't see your face in my thoughts (although your face is the most beautiful i've ever seen)
i just feel you

i am confused
things have seemed important before
and some still do, but others seem worthless...
seems like you've changed my perspective
impossible. it must be lust.
i just don't know...

uncertainty is exciting.

29th August 2009

11:26am: Voice Post
VoicePost
173K 0:55
(no transcription available)

17th March 2009

10:07pm: tuesday's speed workout, 03-17-09
1 mile warmup, stretch, 8x400s, 1 mile cool down, stretch

400 times:

73 - 72 - 71 - 70 - 70 - 70 - 69 - 68

i got pretty tired after the 5th one and thought the last three might be slower...but somehow pushed through it. I was hoping to hit a 67 on the last one like two weeks ago but I went as hard as I could. I guess this workout was my most consistent, constantly improving one so that is really good for my sense of pace. i also didn't get the best night of sleep.

somehow I was disappointed with the way it went, but I really shouldn't be. I pushed through a tough workout and did phenomenally. i was helped out by a higher power on my last repeat. the seventh one was really, really tough and i wasn't sure at all how I was going to get through the last one without falling off. as soon as I crossed the line to finish the seventh, there was a slight pause on my ipod as the song i was listening to finished and the next one started. perfect timing, the next song was Metallica's "The Day that Never Comes," which has sort of become my dig-down anthem. It was just a sign, something telling me, hey dannon - you can do this if you work. Put in the effort now, dig down and just do it. You've got it inside of you.

And I did - I pushed. It hurt, but it also felt really really good.


the time is now.

15th March 2009

2:39pm: sunday's long run, 03-15-09
 90 minutes, 12.7 miles

legs are tired.

13th March 2009

10:56am: thursday's speed workout, 03-12-09
total distance: 5.08 miles
total time: 36:00

1 mile warm up

10x hills
(1 minute hard, 1 min easy)

.90 mile cool down


great workout on the treadmill...hills were easy, until last 3-4. was only supposed to do 8 but I felt great so I added two more at 6.0 incline and 10+ mph.

knees did not trouble me whatsoever, no pain. little bit of stomache pain from illness unrelated to running. i was glad to get this workout in. i'm a slight bit behind in my training so i'm gonna try to throw in a tempo run in addition to the long run this weekend...we'll see how that plays out.

the time is...now!
10:55am: wednesday's run, 03-11-09
ran with matt...easy run of 4 miles, in 29:33.

7:23 pace, felt slightly flat. knee minor aches.

11th March 2009

9:08pm: my first real song recording...
spent some time on this tonight.  i think it came out well...

i didn't write this song, but it is my recording of it. 


http://www.zshare.net/audio/5690323669959785/


if you have a thought, let me know it.
4:27pm: tuesday's run, 03-10-09
i forgot to post this yesterday as i was super busy after my run.

practice 5k for training.

10 minute warmup, stretch, all-out 5k, 15 minute cool down, stretch.

5k time: 17:39.


not bad without competition/race adrenaline. the pace definitely felt weird, i'm not used to running that fast at all. first mile was around 5:50 and the overall pace ended up being 5:41, so that was good. i have a tendency to over-exert the first mile so it was good i kept my pace pretty consistent, if not improving!

also good was the fact that the knee didn't hurt during the run, although it did ache a little after. stretching should keep it in trainable shape. at this point, it's going to be a bother but doesn't look like it's going to significantly hinder my training.

"revolution in the head don't count for nothing, you gotta move your ass."
the time is now!

9th March 2009

8:01pm: monday's run, 03-09-09
41:01, 6.2 miles

6:36 pace

slight knee pain. :(

6th March 2009

9:35am: friday's easy run, 03-06-09
4.1 miles, 29:33.

7:12 pace.

Knee hurt a bit. Grr.
9:14am: thursday's track workout, 03-05-09
1 mile warm up, stretch, 8x400s, 1 mile cool down, stretch.

400 times:

77 - 72 - 73 - 71 - 70 - 71 - 69 - 67


all day I had been putting this workout off. really, since monday I have been putting it off. i was, in a way, scared to have a bad workout. everything has been going so well with my training, and i was sort of worried a bad workout would derail it. in the end, it was the worrying that threatened to derail it. but, no more.

I AM NO LONGER SCARED OF TRACK WORKOUTS.

there were so many times when I could have just packed it up, and skipped it. Done a different workout. But i didn't, in the end, I got it done. And it felt great!

The best part is that there was no one there to see it. I could have went for an easy run. I could have done a lap around the track and gone home. But no, I was racing against myself, I proved to myself that this time is different. I'm not going to fade away, I'm not going to give up.
I could have stopped, and dogged the eighth repeat. But I didn't - I attacked it, just like I had attacked the seven before it, and just like i'm going to attack every single one of those miles on may 2nd.

THE TIME IS NOW!

4th March 2009

8:57pm: wednesday's easy run, 03-04-09
4.6 miles, 32:00 minutes

the time is now.

after a short break due to issues and weather, i'm hopefully back on track. i missed one important workout, which i'm not happy about, but i will get back on track. i'm not gonna stumble, i ain't gonna stop, nobody's gonna bring me down.

2nd March 2009

12:57pm: i've had a stomachache all day and i know exactly why. i'm just emo... sort of feels like someone took a great big ice cream scoop and scooped out all my guts. why does emotional pain transfer itself into physical feelings in that way?

mainly i'm just trying to figure out what i'm going to do. i can't un-feel the way i do but i'm not going to be a fool about it, either. i know you can't force anyone to feel a certain way...besides i dont want to force anyone to feel some way artificially. hmm. tough questions, this is a really hard thing to deal with.

my mind and my heart are pulling me in opposite directions, but neither one has a clear path. i don't want to feel this way. i don't want to be emotional about this. i just want to not care, to let it go. why can't i do that?

------

it doesn't help that other things are being difficult right now. i really just want to get outside, stretch my legs and run...keep doing my workouts and hard training. But it was ten effing degrees outside this morning, with a wind chill below zero...making it physically damn-near impossible for me to do my track workout. indoor track anywhere? the treadmill doesn't go fast enough for me to do the workout i need to. grr. i NEED to stay on track with this training, i'm not going to let myself slip an inch because pretty soon an inch will be a mile. no excuses.

second, it's been busier at work lately. today especially sucks because people in my department are out and i am having to do twice the work, since i have to do mine AND theirs. not cool...im going to take a day off. i dont mind when i have advance notice, or when people go on vacation, etc. but it's the same people that are always having issues. i have issues too, but i still come to work. i'm starting to hold a grudge about it.

not to beat a dead baby, but i feel like, okay, i could deal with all this stuff in my life were the aforementioned situation different. you know, none of that stuff really matters - i can spend 8 hours a day doing work, as long as i know there's something for me that's right at home. sort of a security blanket, if you will.

without that, it's so much harder to do everything else.
and so, today, i am struggling.

i wish i could wear my sunglasses to work.

28th February 2009

2:06pm: saturday's long run, 02-28-09
13.1 miles (the half-marathon course)
1:24:58!

+1.5 mile warm up and 1.5 mile cool down

the best part about that is that i ran negative splits (second half faster than the first). that's exactly what i want to do in the race, because i can bust it out the second half instead of struggling to hold on. i really didn't start to tire until around mile 8, and my times didnt slip until about the last mile. flippin a!

i definitely cant complain about being 4:30 off my PR two weeks into my training and with two months of hard training left to go. i want to shatter 1:20. i want to slay the competition. kill! kill! kill!

the time is not 10:57, its NOW!

in other stuff, im still contemplating running the 3-miler tomorrow in Pickerington for training. Part of the reason i did a long run today is I feel like just running a 5k is somehow cheating my training...like it's not hard enough. part of me even wants to do the 15-miler tomorrow and make it a 30 mile weekend :)
but i'll probably just hold off and do a 5k next weekend. we shall seeeeeeee.

26th February 2009

9:01am: thursday's easy run, 02-26-09
39:33, 5.4 miles

7:21 pace

nice and easy run in the warm weather this morning!



Why do I do
I get on the same old rhymes
Why do I do
The things that I know ain’t right
Why do I do
I trip on the same old lines
Why do I do that to myself
Oh why

25th February 2009

9:20pm: wednesday's tempo run, 02-25-09
30 minute tempo run

total time: 29:55
total distance: 4.93 miles

avg pace=6:04


c'est maintenant qu'il faut agir!

24th February 2009

6:43pm: tuesday's easy run, 02-24-09
32:33; 4.6 miles

including a 5:49 mile that i did for fun (and i actually mean for fun...there's a measured mile along the path i was running, and i got to the start of it, and got the urge to kick for a minute. It felt easy and really good, so i thought, what the hell, i'll keep this up. Ended up doing the mile in an EASY 5:49. What can i say? It's been a weird day.)


anyways, that just means i'm somehow already in shape and the most important thing is going to be staying healthy and consistently doing the long runs and speedwork. i feel really good about this. the time is NOW!

check out this tune btw. it's appropriate to this post because it was starting just as i was starting that fast mile...

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